Day by Day
This blog contains my thoughts and struggles, the problems and solutions. It describes my journey to figure out what I believe and accept myself for who I am.
Like from the Big Bang Theory. And I can kinda see it, but I don’t think I’m that bad. Then, there are other times where I think I just as particular. Like last night. I didn’t sleep well. When I did sleep, I thought of the dishes that needed to be done. I got up and put them in the dishwasher. I also have a spot, but mine is the whole couch. I have to be able to spread out. I also only like studying in the living room. I can’t stand having to do homework in the bed room. It’s not what it’s for. I don’t really drive. If I do, I complain. Apparently, I tell other people what they’re doing wrong a lot, but I don’t even realize it. I have to have everything clean, or I can’t handle it, and I have the same routines I have to do when I wake up, get home, and before bed. I don’t handle other people fighting well( like I tend to freak out and turn into a young, crying child). I also share his innocence. If she ask my girlfriend, she’ll tell you every detail, but I do pride myself in understanding sarcasm. I just wish I was as smart as him.
I struggle with accepting my sexuality. This weekend while I was at home, I found out that more people than I thought know about my girlfriend. Apparently they’ve known for quite some time, but nobody back home is gonna bring it up. I have noticed that some people have been really standoff-ish, annnnd these are definitely people that know. It just breaks my spirit. I want them to at least treat me as they did before even if they don’t agree with me. Unfortunately, in my hometown, this isn’t possible. Sure, it’s okay if you’re noticeably gay(like some guys and girls in the school system), but you can’t be openly gay. It’s also different because I’m the “good Christian” kid. I’m not supposed to be “messed up” like this. I’m supposed to marry a nice Christian man and live in a nice house back in my hometown and have a dog and the average number of children. Sometimes, I wish that would happen. But it’s not going to. I still doubt that I’m gay sometimes, or I hope I’m not. I’m not good with feelings. I have a girlfriend I love, and she loves me, too. I don’t want to hurt her, so I feel like I can’t really talk to her about this. She’s also going through a rough patch and I can’t help her the way I should be able to. I don’t want to hurt her more. It’s gotten so bad, I’ve even thought about cutting again. Sometimes I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I bother people more than I help them. I feel like I’m a hindrance, and that I just annoy people. I feel like I’m never going to amount to anything in life, and I’m going to wind up alone because I’ve chased everyone away. Right now, my girlfriend needs help, and I can’t focus on me. I haven’t ever focused on me. Idk how much more of it I can handle because it seems as though I have no friends anymore. I’ve become to involved in my studies and too secluded to make new friends, and I’m just ready to give up. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone, and even then, I don’t know what I would say.
